Donald Trump’s secret plan to rule the world (Satire)


Many Americans are dismayed by the attitude Donald Trump has taken vis-a-vis Vladimir Putin, both before and after the 2016 election. Why, we have wondered, does Trump go out of his way to show a distinct preference for the Russian leader over long-standing US friends and allies? Why does he seem eager to engage Russian officials without regard for national security. To most Americans, this is a dangerous game, with no apparent benefit to national interests. To our traditional allies, it must appear as sheer madness.

But, could it be there’s a deeper meaning to such madness? Could it be part of a diabolical plan for world domination? Could Trump be an evil genius who has figured out a way to fulfill his egomaniacal dream of world conquest?

Consider this possibility:

1. Convince Putin that he (Trump) is a simpleton who really believes the US and Russia can co-exist as allies. To do this, Trump will promise to dissolve NATO, leave the G7, and lift all sanctions. He proposes a policy of favored trading partner between the two former enemies. He invites Putin to open embassies in every large American city, and in a spirit of transparency, invites Russian emissaries to view cabinet meetings in the White House. Trump suggests regular meetings with just himself, Putin and translators – no one else will be present.

The President asks for nothing in return.

This is exactly what Putin has been scheming to accomplish. This is why Russia rigged an election to favor Trump. He is now convinced of Trump’s incompetence and is satisfied that he can manipulate the American President to do whatever he wants. Confident he has Trump under his control, he mistakenly allows himself to relax and drop his guard.

Then, in a surprise Christmas Eve attack, US Navy seals invade a vodka-soaked Kremlin, take Putin hostage, and set up a provisional government with Steve Bannon as Governor.

2. Now with Russia under US control, Trump threatens to invade China, North Korea, South Korea and Japan unless they agree to the same arrangement as Russia. Since China can no longer rely on Russia, and North Korea has dismantled its nuclear arsenel, and South Korea is already dependent on the US, and Japan is an island, there is no choice but to allow additional provisional governments to take control. Don Jr. becomes regional Governor for Asia.

3. The Philippines becomes a penal colony for political enemies, with former President Rodrigo Duterte serving a dual role as Governor and Warden. Among the inmates are leaders of the G7 countries for which Trump held great contempt because they made him feel so inferior. Other incarcerees include Alec Baldwin, Kathy Griffin, Michael Avenati and the entire editorial staff of the New York Times.

4. With Russia, China and the Koreas in alliance with the US, all of Europe will have to accede unconditionally to US demands, and in effect be subjugated to US control under Gov. Ivanka Trump. She fulfills a life-long ambition by setting up both government headquarters and offices for her fashion business in Paris, France.

5. Canada and Mexico will then have no choice but to follow suit and fall in line. Both are governed by the other Trump son, Eric, who quickly deports all Canadian citizens to Mexico’s Yucatan peninsula, where in an act of revenge for Canada’s unfair treatment of the US, they are put to work in sweatshops making clothes for Ivanka’s company. They are also forced to declare their love for, and allegiance to, Donald Trump.

6. A blockade can then be constructed around all of South America, forcing the continent’s governments to surrender their independence to the US. A pardoned Mike Flynn becomes regional Governor. Flynn has Argentina scoured in hopes of finding escaped Nazi’s to fill his special police force. He is disappointed to learn that all known Nazi’s are deceased except for one 99-year-old who claims he was only following orders. Flynn’s disappointed – that’s just the kind of soldier he was looking for.

With this, Donald J. Trump will have conquered the world and declared himself “Supreme Leader of Trumptopia”.

But wait, there may be a problem. What if he forgets about the Middle East. (Trump never wanted anything to do with the so-called “shit hole” countries in Africa and Southeast Asia. And he didn’t consider Australia and New Zealand to be of any significance, so that’s not a worry). But this is different. Netanyahu and Jared Kushner are infuriated, but for different reasons. Netanyahu is upset that Trump has preempted his own machinations, and Kushner, because his desire to be Governor of the region is crushed. The Saudi Princes are also enraged, resulting in an Israeli-Arab alliance and the cessation of oil shipments to the rest of the world – olive oil from Israel and petroleum from Saudi Arabia.

In the flash of a spark plug, the provisional governments, in a state of panic over oil deprivation, quickly fall apart. Attorney General Jeff (yes, he’s still on the job) Sessions orders that Trump be placed under arrest and immediately jailed.

A trial quickly follows. The former President is defended by a gleefully vengeful Michael Cohen, and prosecuted with poetic justice by none other than Robert Mueller. As a final irony, the presiding judge turns out to be Merrick Garland, the Obama Supreme Court nominee that Mitch McConnell refused to present for confirmation.

When last seen, the now divorced former Supreme Leader of Trumptopia was reported to be in the Philippines watching what was left of Fox News (a befuddled Sean Hannity and an incoherent Jeanine Pirro) and sending tweets to his three remaining followers.

Wonder who they could be.



Author: Ron Nilson

Lapsed capitalist, recovering consumer, artist, self-published poet, avid tree hugger, animal rights advocate and Reiki Master. Originally from New Jersey - now living in Michigan near the great urban experiment called Detroit.

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